all because we were talking about a song and I said that I had sex with someone she knew a long long time ago.. way before her. And now she’s telling me that I’m bad because I don’t tell her things..
I didn’t do anything for her to be treating me like this. I’ve been trying so hard to try and fix our relationship. I’ve been trying so hard not to get mad at all the stupid shit I used to, I’ve been trying so hard to help her out more and do more in general for her. I took her out like she wanted. I buy her food all the time like she likes, I rub her back, and I kiss her and tell her I love her all the time. And she’s just always mad at me, for anythign and everything I do. There’s nothing I can do right it her eyes and it sucks because I really thought that I was becoming happy again maybe.
I’m even doing something I didn’t think I could for her…..
for the last few months I slipped back into my pill addiction, I don’t think I’ve mentioned it on here because of how embarrassed I am about it. It got really bad about a month ago and at that point I was spending a good 2.5k a month on just pills/weed sometimes even more than that. I knew that it was getting way to outta hand so since Nov 1st I’ve been tapering my dose down slowly, trying sooo hard to get to a point where I can stop taking them and then have some mild withdrawls. the only thing is that I can handle the physical part; the nausea, cold sweats and hot chills, sweating period, my whole body hurtin, having the shits so bad it feels like your colon is gonna rupture from the cramps and shits. my jaw grinding from all the anxiety, that’s the worst part is that anxiety, and that’s why I’m saying I can handle all the physical stuff, but that anxiety and all the thoughts, all the crying and wishing I was dead. All of the cravings, they’re so bad. they have every thought of mine constantly when I’m sick. It just sucks all around, but I’ve been tapering down this month and have gotten to a low dose, for me anyways. 50mg oxycodone/day. I was on over 250mg per day sometimes double that depending on who/what/price.
I’ve been doing this so that we could have a normal life and so that I could do good stuff for her. but if she doesn’t even like me which I know she don’t…. then what the fuck am I doinjg yhis for. I’m such a reck lately and I’ve been wanting to get high for a while now. I love her and it sucks. I knew it wasn’t a good idea to let her in. It took so long for me to let her know the real me. I opened up and I gave her my heart that had so many stitches and a few fractures…. and I think she’s gonna be the one to break it in complete half. I was so scared and this was the exact reason why. I never want to feel that pain I felt when Liz and I broke up. It was just so traumatizing and ugh. life is getting so hard and I don’t know if this relationship will even work out. I don’t think she even wants to be with me anymore…. Idk what I’ll do if she leaves. I’ll be all alone. She;s my world right nw„, what else is even remotely good in my life? nothing.
I just hope things setting in the right way. I want to just be happy, truly happy. with her, though. </3 I’m really hurt by this tonight. It’s so uncalled for. I just feel likke I don’t matter.
I already feel so low but lately the way she’s been… I feel lower than ever. All she tells me anymore is that I’m a lazy pill popper, annoying, mean, controlling, and that I don’t do anything right, ever.
I’ve been trying so fucking hard and she really doesn’t care at all. :’( I can’t do anything else…. she doesn’t like me